waves of doubt washing on confidence's shore

I am drowning in self doubt.

I have always been a relatively confident person, or at least I was. But lately it feels like I am swimming in a sea of doubt and I can’t seem to find my way to shore. I want to change what I do. I want to do something different but I am so damn scared of making a change that I am actively choosing anxiety and discomfort because I have been at this job for so long. I am scared of not being good at anything else and that right there is not a Kierstin trait for those of you out there who know me. I have always taken on new things like I had done them for years. I was the child that did every sport I could, and I tried all the new foods and I wasn’t scared to do something outside of my comfort zone. I was bold and daring, and made all my cousins jealous. ;)

I didn’t realize how far from the dry land of confidence I was until I went axe throwing with my best friend on Saturday. Turns out I have a new found natural talent. All that anger and frustration that has been pent up in my body and mind for the last few months came out in the action of throwing an axe at a giant target and hoping a ricochet didn’t kill me. They actually asked me to join a league, not to toot my own horn…but toot toot.

It was in the action of doing something I’ve never done before and being surprisingly good at it that made me realize how much I have doubted myself lately. I have tried so damn hard to make something of myself at my current job. I have moved states for a promotion, moved towns for a promotion, been through different leadership styles and been overly hard on myself. But I stopped on Saturday and really thought about it. Why am I trying so hard to fit into this mold of a version of myself that I have clearly grown out of? And why do I feel so damn bad about it? I wake up every day mad that I don’t feel the way I used to about going to work. I wake up mad and anxiety filled because I still love what I do, just not the way I used to. I feel like I am expected to stay here because this is what I worked for. This is what I put all those years of learning and shifting and yadda yadda into, so the fact that I may want to try something different feels like a sin. And I find that more times than not, I feel like because I dedicated so much time to this, that I wouldnt be good at doing anything else. That at 26, I am too old to change. Sounds ridiculous, right?

It is ridiculous.

I am still young and capable of making something more of myself in any way I see fit. I came across something on instagram earlier and it further solidified the idea of making changes. It said something along the lines of “so and so got a degree and didn’t find a good job until 6 years later.” It listed a few different things and then went on to talk about how time really doesn’t restrict you from making changes, and it doesn’t mean your life is late, or early, you are on time because it’s your time.

I need to get out of my damn head and open my mind to the opportunities around me without fear and doubt. I am capable, I am capable, I am capable.

I am capable.