I've been making nothing but life realizations over the last few weeks. The main realization being that I allow a lot of fear to dominate my life. I am scared of things uncertain. This sucks the motivation right out of me propelling me in a downward spiral of:
Why am I not doing more?
What is wrong with me?
Why is making something of myself so damn hard?
Fear does crazy things to the brain. And fear paired with depression and anxiety is a recipe for an emotional danger zone. I've ended up settling for this life because fear and insecurity has somehow convinced me that I don't deserve more than I have. That this is it for me, I'm not capable of more than what I am now.
The whole entire world around me is moving forward, why cant I?
Over the last month, I have gotten a new job, taken a break from my current job, started and then quit the new job, and now I am here. I haven't felt this lost in a long time, but through feeling this lost I somehow feel lighter. I am basically living in my fear and its helping me feel alive. Yes, I feel like I'm drowning, and yes I feel like the way back to the surface is way too far for my little legs to take me, but I do feel all of this is necessary.
The new position taught me a lot, even though I was only there a week. It taught me that the stagnant nature of my life could be altered if I wanted it badly enough. And that I WAS capable of making changes necessary to experience life. It taught me that what I do now, although not the long game, is something I truly love doing. And that bad days come from every damn direction no matter your circumstances. I've also learned that I deny myself the prospect of actually being happy because I am stuck in a mindset that only once I get somewhere I'll suddenly be just that, happy. But happiness does not come from getting to where you want to be. It's not the destination, its the process. And if you don't respect and admire the process you still end up sad, dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
I want to be fulfilled. I want to thrive. I want to reach the surface and breathe in the fresh air of change and the path to feeling worth it.
Right now I feel caged by my circumstances. But isn't it said that we are not the product of our circumstances but the product of our decisions? Well, here is to deciding to break free of stagnation and taking the necessary steps to stop living in fear.
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am worthy of more than what I allow myself.