playing cards, feeling lost, and other nonsense.

"What are you doing with your life?"

The question that haunts my every day. Truth of the matter is, I have no idea what I am doing. And part of my brain tells me thats okay, that I don't need to have it all figured out. That life will eventually land the way its always meant to if I play my cards right. Well, I feel like I am not playing my cards at all. It seems I've folded early and am watching the chaos around me unfold. I became a spectator to the lives of others and have neglected to take ahold of my own. I'm surrounded by people in my life doing something. Getting engaged, having babies, landing their dream jobs. And I'm here still like "thanks for choosing starbucks." Twenty-three years young feeling anything but. I feel like a restless failure. Like I am paralyzed by all I feel I should be doing that I never actually do any of it.

I just returned from one of the most relaxing weekends I have had in a long time. Took a few days off of work and escaped with my mom to the dells of good ole Wisconsin. It's funny, because my boss as well as a few others poked fun and asked what there was to even do there. When the question arose, I didn't have an answer because I didn't know. But after my weekend adventure, I realize its a lot about making the best of where you are given any situation. I had fun. And I feel like I need to apply that philosophy to my life. Taking an idea that seems to have no feasible outcome and making it flourish. Or finally finishing one of the ten million projects I have started over the past four years. Jump into that crazy game of poker called life and stop feeling like I am stuck playing 52 pickup.

I need to pick up my hand and start playing the cards. 

I don't want to get engaged, or have children, just yet. But I would like to take a stab at creating something beautiful, nurturing it and watching it grow. I want to do something, and I think that starts by actually getting out there and playing around with the hand I've been dealt. I am twenty-three, single, and a creative living in Chicago and I feel like I am letting that go to waste. So here is a vow to push myself to snag the best hand and put my cards out on the table for all to see. I don't know where my life is going, and that is okay. What I do know is it isn't going anywhere unless I put one foot in front of the other and make a damn move. Right now I feel more than lost but what it boils down to is as long as I am creating and living, pushing towards happiness I know I will be just fine.

Who knows, maybe I have an ace up my sleeve that I don't even know about.