"I'm still trying to forgive myself for all the things I failed to become. I'm still trying to make peace with all the broke pieces of my past." -r.h. sin
If you were to go back in time and speak to 17 year old me, she wouldn't believe you if you told her where she would be today. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, to better prepare myself for the things I have gone through in the past six years. I wish I could go back and tell 17 year old me that even at the lowest point, she'll overcome it all. That we survive. That the moments she doesn't feel good enough are fleeting, and that in the morning when the sun shines through the small crack in her shades and hits her face, she will know that its a new day. If I were to tell 17 year old me that she would be 23 living at home after a suicide attempt, two failed attempts at moving out, and an abundance of failed relationships and friendships, I think I would scare the life out of her. But after telling her all that, I would tell her what she needs to hear, the good stuff. I would tell her that even though it took three separate times, she graduated college. I would remind her that she is stronger than she will every believe and that even though there are times when she feels alone, she finds the light through the darkness. I would tell her to follow her heart regardless of where it takes her and to truly trust her gut.
And then I would sit myself down, my present self, and I would have a chat with her, too.
I need to remember everything I have overcome. I need to remind myself that I am a strong person capable of beautiful things. That although I am not working some fantastic job as a copywriter in the city, doesn't mean that what I have to say matters less. It doesn't mean I should give up. Sometimes I forget that although I picked an impractical career, that I can still make something of myself, that my words still have meaning to someone. I never wanted to write for the fame or fortune. I wanted to write because it brings me peace and I hope that my words can bring someone else peace as well. I want to calm the chaos in someones mind, ease their pain with my words. Thats what I want, thats why I sit in front of this screen and speak to whomever will read.
So I would tell present me to take a step back and enjoy the life she has fought so hard to keep. And to continue to march triumphantly through the wreckage that has consumed the past. And although I am still working through the broken pieces of whats gone, I can still make a beautiful masterpiece of what is to come. It's a reminder to hold tight, enjoy the ride, and just keep swimming.