Tossing and turning in a wave of uneasy sleep I stood, in my dream, on the end of a dock looking out into the vast foggy nothingness. When I peered over into the water, I didn't recognize the person reflected back to me. I did not know who she was. As I turned over, waking wrapped in a sea of blankets, I came to a realization. I do not know who I am. And I'm not speaking in terms of amnesia, more or less I have wandered from knowing what truly makes Kierstin, Kierstin.
I found that I felt nothing but lost.
I sat up, breathing heavily and decided that not knowing the person that makes up my entire was no longer an option. So, I began with what I do know. It started with the simple stuff, like my favorite color, and my favorite food. But as I got through all that I dug deeper. I realized how much I crave adventure and the types of ideas that push me out of the comfort zone of normality. I know I don't want to lead an ordinary life. I want something fascinatingly beautiful. I want more. I want to do more, create more, explore more. I want to be the best and do the best and I refuse to settle. I have spent the better half of my short adult life living for everyone else. Not knowing what I want because for as long as I could remember; I always based my decisions on others. As a child I was a natural caregiver. So after a morning of coming through what I knew I wanted to find out what I didn't. I met a friend for coffee and he insisted I find out what my personality type was to better understand myself and to move towards being the person I wish so desperately to unlock. He spoke highly of the Myers Briggs personality test and I decided, why not?
I am a mediator. (shocker)
This states that I am 54% introverted and 46% extraverted. Which to an extent I agree with. I do, however, believe I am more of a hermit than this test is letting me believe. I take feeling over thinking, prospecting over judging, and I am far more turbulent than I am assertive. It all makes sense. And with that sense, I can begin to really delve into who I am. I know, I know, most people are like "why are you basing life off a test" and while I agree with you, I also disagree. This has brought to surface so many things I didn't understand about myself. It states that most mediators are merely idealists looking for the innate good in those around us. Which is what I find I do far more often than I should.
So the part of the results I want to share, are the strengths and weaknesses. With this list, I can begin to really build on who I am and make realistic goals moving forward from this point on. So lets dive in...
Seek and Value Harmony
Open-minded and Flexible
What a lovely list. I am very idealistic. I believe everyone is inherently good, and that seems like a downfall sometimes, but it really is a strength because it helps keep me optimistic. Harmony is obviously something with grave importance, everyone should be heard and I value others opinions although I sometimes don't agree. Having an open mind has always gotten me further in life than having a closed one. When your mind is open to possibilities, there are endless things you can do. That leads into the last three. Creativity is something that has always driven me. I am a creative minded human seeking to craft wonderful things with passion, energy, and dedicated hard work. Now with all of the positives, comes the negatives. Which aren't necessarily negatives, but more or less things to work on improving. If you look at your weaknesses as things that hold you back, they will keep you from growth.
Takes things personally
Difficult to get to know
When I read these results I was slightly irritated. (Insert taking things personally.) However, after reading more into it, I began to see all these things in myself. I am far too idealistic for my liking. I set myself up for disappointment. I get lost in the dreamland that my brain creates and forget that the real world exists. And when I come down from the clouds I end up frustrated and closed off which leads into me being difficult to get to know. I seem to only allow people in to a certain extent and then I shut down. I definitely want to make a change to that.
So what am I going to do with all this information? How am I going to use it to move toward positive change? Well, it all starts with turning my trials into triumphs. Finding ways to pull the positive from the negative and that starts with setting realistic goals. I want to write, and I dont want to work for Starbucks the rest of my life. So I guess here are some goals I wish to achieve.
Write something every day
Start reminding self that you are capable
Push self out of comfort zone
Expand range of topics
Set realistic goals, and achieve them
It all starts somewhere, and that somewhere is here. I am going to work on writing less about what makes me sad, and start highlighting what makes me feel alive. And with that thought, I am going to start doing the things I love again. Sometimes you want so much to be heard, you forget what you have to say. The same goes about wanting to be someone. You want it so bad, you begin to lose pieces of what makes you, you. I want to get back to the basics, and build a beautiful self love pillow fort, and hang out for a bit. So yes, basing an idea on a personality test sounds silly, but it broadened my view on different things about myself I already kind of knew.
Goal number one: Fall back in love with the pieces that make me who I am.