Looking back on the last year, I am in awe of where I am at. I am in awe of what I have accomplished and I am so proud of who I am. I usually refer to the last few years as being the hardest for me. Which I still believe to be true. I entered a slump both creatively and not, and it has been single handedly the longest I have ever gone not wanting to be active in the writing world. Thats not to say its not still there, because I feel it at the tips of my fingers every once in a while. But as of right now, its no longer my lifestyle. And this is what has sparked a season of change and beautiful hopes for this new year to come. Back in 2016 I did a recap of every hope and fear I had throughout the year and how I wished to extinguish them. I went through, month by month, what all my hopes were for my life. I was hopeful back then, and I hope to be just the same now.
I refrained from a 2017 recap because I was drowning in a sea of indifference, and I’d slowly lost my ability to articulate what I was feeling through words. I got to the point where it didn’t seem worth it anymore. Where things were just as they were and I just didn’t want to celebrate. So, I will do a small celebration here. In 2017 I moved out of my parents house into a cute apartment in Oak Park, IL. I loved it and I was proud of myself. That was also the year my grandpa and uncle died, and I continued to lose my way. 2017 was a year of never ending darkness, and 2018 didn’t feel like it would bring the light.
But it did.
Throughout this whole year I have done a lot of soul searching. I spent the early months still living in said apartment in a consistent battle with the shade of grey that had become my life. I felt stuck, stagnant, the usual feelings. But at the end of the day instead of being mad as hell, I just said “meh, this is my life.” I turned down an opportunity to move up in the company because I was just so done with the hand I’d been dealt that I just said whatever. The more I disconnected from life around me, the more and more apparent it was that I was not happy and things needed to change. I started first by thinking I needed a new job, worked it for 4 days, and realized at the end of it that it wasn’t for me. That what I was already doing was something I loved so much, but I was merely burnt out. I knew something needed to change. The next step was leaving where I was, for somewhere new. Not because I was running from something, but because I wasn’t moving forward at all and I needed to. Now, there are other things that filtered through this time, but that is for another post.
That brings me to the last four months, August through December. I can say with absolute certainty that these last months have taught me the most I’ve learned about myself and about life than I have ever been consciously aware of. These had been months of struggle, pain, sadness, homesickness, and many other emotions I knew would be there but just didn’t realize how strong they would be. In August, I left the place I’d worked for the last two and a half years, packed up my life, and moved 900 miles away from home. I started a new life in a place that I always knew to be my second home, and it was nothing like I thought it would be. I wrote in another document about how moving here didn’t fix the indifference but rather it manifested differently. I was knowingly anxious. I was knowingly struggling. I was actively aware of every emotion that I should be feeling but I just felt “meh.” Money was my biggest issue, accompanied by feeling unwanted in a place I had always looked at as a safe place.
I spoke with my mom over and over about wanting to give up, and she kept telling me to give it time. That was until one day I’d completely broke and decided to into the negative feelings this place had brought about and I told her I was coming home. She said she supported me and something about that turned my mind around. I knew that I couldn’t give up. I knew that I was here for some reason, and that reason was to better who I am. Determination took over and that leads me to where I am now. I got through the struggle of commuting, I got through the struggle of not having two pennies to rub together, and I got that damn promotion I’d been working my ass off for.
2018 held a lot for me, but its time to let that go and welcome all that 2019 has to offer. I am not talking some grand something that will make life 100% easier or better. I’m not talking about making any resolutions I don’t fully intend to keep. I have one resolution for this year and it is simple.
I am going to put myself first, love myself, and push myself to be the best version I can be of me.
There are so many new and exciting things to come, new and exciting things happening in my life that are going to test me both physically and emotionally and I plan to push through the lingering indifference, and be happy.
Plain and simple.
Cya 2018, its been real.