I need to love my life again.
I need to reconnect.
I need to embrace change.
I need to start creating.
I need to stop standing still.
Something happened. Something changed. Something put a halt to the love I had for things outside the confines of my bedroom. I haven't been me for a while, not completely me at least. I'm bits and pieces, here and there. I'm me in the car when my favorite song comes on after a long day. I'm me in the brief moments of clear thinking. I'm me when I make coffee and connect with the people around me. But it's all different, slowly changing.
But I haven't been all me for quite a while.
Maybe, maybe this is a time of transition. Maybe I'm not feeling like me anymore because I really am changing, becoming a new version of the person I've always known.
An upgrade if you will.
For as long as I can remember, all I've known is a consistent sadness. Sadness comes in all sorts of forms. It comes from within, it's conjured up by shitty relationships, or a rough day at work. But it's always been there. It's always been that something that I've held onto so tightly. For as long as I can remember, sadness remained the only constant. The only thing that didn't change when the rest of existence was busy moving forward. But I've realized lately, that the sadness I knew so well no longer exists in the form that I grew so lovingly accustomed to. Sadness isn't tied to self destructive phases and shit-short-lived romances. I notice more and more as the days go on that although there are times I am still sad, it's all different. I'm sad, but it isn't the sadness that I once relied to heavily on. It's a sadness that wanders in but no longer makes itself at home. It no longer holds a death grip on my ankle. It no longer begs me not to let it go. I used to be sad all the time. I used to rely on it for writing, for sickening inspiration. But it's no longer there that way, and for that I am thankful.
I haven't felt myself lately, and that has bothered me. But I also know that I'm resistant to change. We are ever changing, ever evolving. But still, knowing that fact, change has frightened me. I grow comfortable in the state that I settle in. When change comes knocking, I'm known to hide under the bed like a scared child. So, when I woke up one day two weeks ago and realized that I'm slowly starting not to recognize the person reflected back at me, I jumped to the conclusion that this change was bad. But it's not at all. Because although I may not have the perfect occupation, a pulitzer prize, or the cliché perfect relationship, I do have a lot of things. I have a man that loves me, despite my flaws. I have a job, that although feels like the depths of hell, it's something I am good at and it's something that I love. And I have this. I have these words that may have taken a while to come about, but here they are.
The words, the boy, and the job.
I have what I need.
I have what I want.
I have the tools necessary to move forward.
Now, its time for forward movement.
To swim with the current, not against it.