Mind over Matter and Maple Leaves

There is a leaf that sits upon my arm, and I frequently get asked if I am in fact Canadian. When the response is, "no, I am not." I get a slew of other comments regarding the tattoo. Well, here I am to clear everything up for you curious beings.

When my world comes to a halt, usually every year around September, I look down at my leaf and remember that it is just a season. That even when I thought I would never move through it, I did. It is my reminder to hold on and keep going. That the darkness, although unbelievably consuming at times, is only temporary. 

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reflections in the hazy morning light

This morning I got up and walked into the bathroom. I turned on the light and stood at the sink. I stared at myself and wondered, "how did I let it get this way?" Aside from looking worn out, I look sick. Sick of life, sick of unhappiness. Sick of people asking why I'm losing weight and why I'm always tired. I looked at my reflection in the hazy light of morning and decided I need to change.

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why I'm not a writer but wish to be one..

As a writer, you spew emotions out for the world to see, opening your veins and spilling out the contents pumping from what beats inside your chest. Your writing makes up who you are. Twenty-six letters arranged in a way that reflects your soul. In my recent days, I have encountered writers who bleed for the craft. Housing all these ideas anxiously clawing their way out of the chests of those so in love with what they are capable of.

I want to be one of those people.

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Swiping right into hopeless love..

Why is it so seemingly hard in this day and age to want someone and have him or her genuinely want you back? To manage a relationship void of games and bologna. Just two people with common interests who like each others face enough to see them more than once a week. Dating nowadays doesn't make sense to me. You have this person you are semi interested in, and then you have the slew of other people you're also interested in, and you want to see all of them all at once. What happened to just being with one person and that being enough? We want so much to be different that we have made love a game of how many hearts can I put in my jar until it bursts? 

I want one heart in my jar. I want one person that I can call my best friend who will eat pizza at three am in the middle of the kitchen floor in just the refrigerator light. Someone who will chase me in the grocery store making silly faces, or spend a whole day talking in accents to each other. I want to dance and sing to disney music in the dining room and end the day in bed talking about the existence of aliens or whether or not they live in the parts of the ocean we have never explored. I don't want complicated. I want genuine, simple, beautiful. Real.

Although this generation I inhabit picks tinder over meeting someone in line at target or a coffee shop, I do believe the love that I crave still exists somewhere. For now, I shall wade through the new norm of 2016 dating life swiping right. 

Why I Stopped Putting You First

    When you’re with someone, you want to be consumed in them. I know I do, at least. I want to share my two am thoughts and I want to know that my good morning text made you smile. I want to know that when I am not there you reach your hand to my side of the bed in search of my own and the thought of me not being there at least brings you a little sadness. I want to feel secure in myself as well as in us and not be worried that I am going to be replaced or that someone takes my spot when I’m not there. I want someone who wants me regardless of my scars, regardless of the things that haunt my past and linger into my present. I want to be wanted. I don't want unanswered texts and mixed messages. I don't want to lie in bed at night and wonder why I am not good enough or what I could do to make myself more appealing for you. I shouldn't have to live in a “wanna be” relationship feeling more alone than when I was at my lowest.

     And that is why I can no longer have you as a priority, because to you I am only an option. And that is not an option to me. I am not a thought that crosses your mind when you turn over to see the spot next to you bare. You only care about you. And that is why I have to let you go. And that’s okay.

    I have spent years catering to others, hoping that one of the times all the things I do for this person or that person would finally fill this emptiness inside. I deserve the type of love, and the type of relationship that feeds my soul, not drains it. After falling face first into the hard concrete of tough relationships I think it is time to take a step back and take care of me. So I am choosing to stop putting you first, and to give myself a shot. I come from a long list of insecurities, each a little less pretty than the last and I am looking to change that. I am not looking to make the list longer. I want to wake up in the comfort of my own company and not have this burning need to text someone. I want to tell myself good morning and feel the sunshine on my face and know that I am okay. With or without you, or anyone else for that matter.

    So I am vowing to myself, to let go of those toxic relationships that allow my insecurities to weigh me down like two pockets full of rocks. I vow to embrace the potential relationship with myself and work as hard as I can on looking at myself in the mirror and knowing in my heart that I am enough. 

Learning to Breathe Underwater

I have feelings, a lot of them.

I’ve been off medication for about two months now, and life is a little weird. Okay, a lotta weird. I am dealing with a whirlwind of emotions that have remained dormant for the last three years of taking a tiny pill that ensues a wave of comfortable sadness. I forgot how hard it was to live in a state where feeling emotions, real emotions, was a thing. And right now I hate it. I know I can do it on my own but its a lot harder than I initially thought it would be. I have all these things inside of me, these feelings and emotions that I don't really know what to do with. For the last three years I have experienced what I call surface feelings, they were there but I never really experienced them. I forgot what true anger felt like as it welled in my chest creating this burning urge to slam a door. I forgot what it felt like to feel the sun on my skin, and appreciate its warmth. I forgot what it was like to be genuinely hurt because I spent the better half of the last three years only half experiencing things, pushing them to the side, telling them they could wait. It wasn't until I returned from feeling unbelievably numb in a place that I thought would fix my nothingness that I realized that this mind fogging medicine was forcing me just to survive.

I thought I knew what it felt like to lose it, but nothing compares to sitting in the middle of your bed at three am trying to quiet the noise in your head because for the first time in years its more than just a whisper. It’s yelling in all different tones about seven different things that I just cant wrap my head around. Deciding to take ahold of my life was more like losing it all over again but in the most tragically beautiful way. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of myself, not knowing how to deal with these new feelings that welled inside, but its simple. You take it one step at a time, slowly learn to breathe underwater. Push through the confusion and realize you can't make sense of nonsense. Appreciate the ability to feel, and feel deeply. That is one of the most beautiful things about living, feeling things. Whether it be a smile when you receive a compliment, the warmth that builds in your belly after a first kiss, or the tinge of pain in your heart when it breaks. Take these experiences, learn from them, grow from them. Realize that you aren't alone. You are alive and you are meant to feel, you are meant to live and experience and flourish. 

It took me many nights of endless tears debating on whether or not a life of comfortable sadness was better than feeling too much all the time to realize that a life without feeling is not a life worth living. To feel means to grow, and to grow means to take a stab at thriving. You can't expect a flower to sprout without sunshine. I was tired of living in the dark, rolling through the motions of every day life with a half smile on my face that refused to ignite my willingness to live. I didn’t even know what I was missing out on until I threw away everything that I had built and left. I experienced life and although it kicked my to the ground and snickered like a playground bully, I did it. It awoke a part of me that had remained dormant due to mind fogging medication that refrained me from clear thinking. Blinded me and pushed me to drag through life like I was just meant to survive. I am meant to live. And living will be done.

Waves pull me out to sea, and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. But slowly and steadily I am learning to breathe underwater.

So be it

There is a point in your life when you get sick of people expecting you to have it all figured out. You get frustrated with yourself for not having it all figured out and it just pushes you to the edge. I am standing at that edge. While trying to allow myself to be okay with not having it all figured out, I have people left and right scrutinizing me for not having a better paying job, an apartment of my own, be able to pay for this or that. I am one person, and I am trying to do what I can to get to a place where I am able to do all of that. Having humans in your life that consistently tell you how lost you are for not having that sparkling new apartment overlooking the lake, or that fancy paying job that will make you miserable but solve all your financial woes, only pushes you father from the path. 

    I just want to be happy. And I am trying my hardest to get there, but I need to get there without the scrutiny and negativity of those who just expect everyone to have things figured out the way they do. Everyone works at different paces, peoples lives pick up at different times. I could go out, get a loan, and leave my house but owe the bank thousands. Or I can continue to try and put myself together and do it without having to beg borrow or steal. 

    “How are you ever going to support yourself?” 

Well, in all reality, I do support myself. The only thing I do not do is pay rent or car insurance. But that doesn't make the bills I pay currently any less important. I am working to move into a state of being where I am able to balance my money, job, life, in a positive and healthy manner. What those people in life that put you down don't understand is that they are hindering you, not helping you. By reminding you consistently that you don't have it together or that you are falling behind the rest of the people in your “generation,” they are just pushing you further and further away from reaching your goal. What sucks is one day long ago words like such would motivate, but nowadays, they just hurt.

    “Where are you going in life? What is your plan? Why aren't you pursuing something more practical?” 

    How about this, you work your 9-5 job that more than likely makes you miserable, and I will meander through my “messy” life finding happiness doing something I love. You can’t force success, you can’t force progress, things take time. I made a promise to myself, that I would never compromise my happiness for dollar signs, and that will remain true. If that means there are things I live without, then so be it. I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable. Money can't buy you the feeling that wells inside when you do something you are truly passionate about. Money is just paper. And although in reality it seems to be the only thing people care about, call me old fashioned but I believe truly in finding something that ignites you and pushes you towards true self happiness. Believe it or not, money isn't everything. And for those who insist on scrutinizing those who are still on the path to figuring it out, shame on you. Because once upon a time, whether you will admit it or not, you were in their shoes. You were a little lost, and if a hypocrite is what you wanted to be when you grew up… Congrats, you made it. 

But I will not be put down, for I am taking the steps necessary to achieve the happiness that I deserve, the happiness that comes from inside myself. I will find it, and it will be beautiful. And if that takes baby steps, then so be it.