Ive been thinking a lot about life, once again. And I feel lost. It’s weird because I feel like its normal to be lost right now, but at the same time I feel like I should be past the lost part. Like I should have something, anything, figured out and I shouldn’t feel like I am trying to navigate a crowded room in the dark. I am sitting in a parking spot, too much of a baby to go into this meeting too early. I am nervous but at the same time I’m not. Which I don’t know if its a good thing or a bad thing.
What do I even want? Do I even know? Or is this what my problem is? Am I just lost completely because I don’t have direction? Do I not know where it is I want to be and who I want to be? There are all these versions of myself in my head and each one of them is happy in their own way, but I don’t know how to get to those versions. Hell, I don’t even know which version I want. Do I want to move up at Starbucks and live the life of a coffee slave? Or do I want more? Do I want to put my portfolio together finally and start sending out resumes? I think I am afraid. I think fear keeps me from doing these things because I already don’t feel good enough, what happens when its just one disappointment after another? How do I gain enough confidence in the skills that I have obtained to make something of myself?
I am sitting in my car, its thirty degrees out and I am scared. I know I am good at what I do, but I hate interviews and I hate being put on the spot and I hate feeling like I need to prove myself consistently. But if this is what it takes to move forward, then so be it. Forward I will march.